Transforming Grief into Strength: How the Gym Became My Sanctuary

Joining a gym at the age of 48 after years of completely neglecting my body was a decision which, in the beginning, seemed to be absolutely insane. The years leading up to this point had, at some points, been something of a challenge. I had survived a violent assault in my twenties which had taken its toll more than I would admit to myself. I had become self-deprecating which, in turn, was giving out the message to others that this was me. Not much to write home about. A bit too quiet, a bit too shy. Always an inconvenience. Not quite enough yet always too much. Definitely unattractive. Not worthy of a space. Absolutely not worthy of being seen or heard. And so, eventually, I convinced myself that this was true. The noise inside my head which screamed a million nasty things to myself each day had become the norm for me. I didn’t even question it. I broke my own heart on a daily basis. I was lost and someone else had taken over.

February 2023 and my world fell apart. In fact, it didn’t just fall apart; it was completely obliterated. My mum died and the grief and physical pain was something beyond which I had ever experienced. At times it felt too much to bear but I knew I had to carry on for my mum. In the aftermath of her death, my eating became erratic. For the first two months I was almost physically unable to eat. The toll that the grief was taking on my body was devastating. Eventually, I get to a point where I knew I had to start eating again and so I ate whatever came my way. There was no reason behind it. I was struggling and the one person who was able to help me was no longer here. I had to accept that and I had to accept that I now had to become my own support. No one else could do it for me.

The following two years were the worst of my life. Grief, constant challenges, navigating a world without my mum. The weight piled on and the more it did the more I hated myself and my body. I knew my mum would be breaking her heart if she could see me. Maybe she could. Maybe her spirit was what guided me to what happened next. What happened next changed my life.

I had what can only be described as a lightbulb moment; a realization. I needed to sort out my body. Not simply my weight but my strength and my fitness. I have always been independent and the truth hit me that my independence would not last for much longer if I didn’t take action to sort out my health.

I searched gyms in my local area and found one called Momentum Collective. I was bizarrely drawn to it. I knew that the owner had won Gladiators on TV. The thought of training with someone at that level seemed way out of my league. I told myself not be so stupid. Who did I think I was? Seriously, Alex? Don’t be so stupid. And yet the voice lost. For some reason, I managed to silence it. I sent a message. And the reply came back straight away. From that moment, I was locked in.

And that was the beginning of my story. I joined the gym and became part of a community. The challenges along the way have been immense. I joined with zero ability, zero understanding of a gym and zero fitness. Yet I met the most generous, kind hearted, supportive, dedicated people I could possibly have met. I was welcomed from the beginning and became a part of something. A community. A place where I could be real. A place where I could find who I was. Rediscovering the woman that had become silenced inside of me. And learning to be proud of her. And loving her.

I have been lucky enough to have worked with the most wonderful coaches. Amanda Wah, Natalie Earl, Ian Kevitt and Ste Picton. They could not have been more perfect for me. I was greeted with “just keep showing up.” That has remained my mantra. Some days are amazing. Some days are terrible. Some days are just ok. The important thing is to keep showing up. That’s where the gains are.

That voice? It didn’t just go away. I have had to battle with it every day. Yet this time, I had support. I wasn’t dealing with it on my own. I was part of a team that cared about me. That recognized I was beating myself up and that there were times that I got stuck in my own head. But they never gave up on me. They have seen me at my worst. They have seen me cry. They have seen me want to walk away. And I’m still here thanks to their constant care, support and belief. I have a place in this world. I see myself. I value myself. I love myself. That other voice comes back and tries to win the battle but it can’t because I have a team around me that brings me strength and truth.

And today? In February 2026, I completed my first DEKA Strong event. The pride I felt in myself was incredible. I achieved something that I never thought could be true. And then another challenge came my way. A challenge and a gift; a knee injury which has been a true journey. The injury has taught me an incredible amount about who I am. The cardio that I hated so much has been something that I missed very badly. The frustration I felt about not being able to lift weights and move around properly has been huge. It’s also been something of a surprise. I’ve learnt how much I love fitness and how important it has become in my life. That injury has helped me see who I am and has given me the desire to achieve new dreams and goals.

Momentum Collective is a truly special gym. It has forced me to face every single challenge that I feared the most. Being part of a group. Being the least fit. Finishing last. Failing. Being vulnerable in a crowd. Everything that I was afraid of the most. Some days I couldn’t get through the door. Some days I showed up and then left. Some days I still do that. But it’s ok because I’m still here. And the gym and the coaches have been with me every step of the way. Not giving up on me. Not allowing me to fall. Encouraging me to keep showing up. Finding solutions to problems. Always finding a way. What will I be taking forward with me? “Keep showing up.”