Grief: My Journey So Far

It’s approaching a year since I lost my wonderful mum and my world fell apart. A year of experiencing the darkest despair that only the bereaved can understand.

The moment I lost her will forever be ingrained in my memory and my heart. The initial realisation that she had gone. The screams as I collapsed to the floor, a forty-six year old woman, crying and shouting for her mum. The desperate need to bring her back, the fear, the terror, the anguish. She had gone. My mum had gone. I gradually became conscious of myself sitting in a heap on the floor and the nurse holding me. The only person in the world I wanted in that moment was my mum. I continued to scream and then the tears came and the screams gave way to sobbing. A sobbing which seemed endless. My body was shaking, I felt sick, the palpitations and my inability to breathe were suffocating me.

The nurse helped me into the chair next to my mum’s bed. I was broken. There was nothing left of me. The pain in my chest. I just wanted to be with my mum. Then the realisation slowly descended that this was now my life. The rest of my life without my mum.

The following days brought a darkness beyond description; at least beyond my description. I had a wonderful network of support from friends and family but nothing and nobody could fill that black hole. I remember feeling a terrible sense of eternal darkness. Every time I tried to look into the future, all I could see was a dark, empty void. Nothingness. A feeling which continued to bring me terror. A feeling which I thought would never disappear. Gradually, my visions of the future began to reappear. Visions of a future without my mum which equalled the horror of the darkness.

Despite the care and the comfort, I received from friends and family, nothing made this feeling go away. The only person who could make all of this go away was my mum and she wasn’t here.

It was the loneliest, most isolated place to be. Bereavement is something almost everyone goes through in their life but each experience is individual. The relationship with the person who has gone is a personal, unique one, meaning that no one else has the exact same feelings or experiences. They may be similar but they are not the same. My days were spent reading about other people’s experiences and trying to find another story which matched my own. Something to give me hope that this would get easier.

Over time, I found myself able to do some of the things I used to do. The theatre was a favourite as it was a place of escape but also a place where I could just sit with no pressure. I started to go on short breaks but this was hard. I used to travel with my mum and every aspect of every day was a constant reminder that she was no longer here. Despite the pain, I carried on because what other choice is there? Life goes on and stopping is not an option. On the surface I eventually looked ok. I started to present an image to the world that I was coping and living my life. A façade. I now know that this façade was not just for the world. It was a façade I was presenting to myself. Pretending to myself that I was doing well. Yet I wasn’t doing well. The grief and pain that I acknowledged and started to process in the beginning had become buried because I got to a point where I didn’t know what to do with it. Life was too painful so I found a way to hide the pain, not just from others but from myself. This is where the problem was because it’s difficult to hide from yourself. Something inside of me, something subconscious knew that at some point, all of that pain would come out. And it did. And I broke into a million pieces. And, once again, my world fell apart.

I have learnt that grief has no timeline. It is not a linear process with rules or a pattern. It is painful. It is unpredictable. If you hide it, it has a way of making itself known. It is also protection. It is a way of showing us that we need to take care of ourselves. That we need to take time and space when we need it. Allow ourselves to grieve, to cry, to talk, to do whatever we need to do to get through that darkness. Darkness which eventually comes and goes. I have learnt that my journey is far from over. Yet, when I think of my mum, I think of the life she gave me and the love she instilled in me. Her love which I carry in my heart. Her love which will stay with me through every part of my journey.